Motherhood and Honesty

Exhausted. Most days that's about the only word I could use to describe myself. 

The more I think about this, the more I think mothers need to be honest. We feel like we have to say how wonderful things are and how in love we are and we fail to tell our friends the truth. Lately, I haven't been honest with my friends having new babies. I don't want to take the bloom off the rose and instead left them to get blindsided by reality.  The truth is motherhood is hard. It is really hard. It's no wonder people get depressed. There is pain, guilt, frustration, exhaustion, and feelings of inadequacy. The financial drain is immense. Your relationship with your husband is forever changed. I really compounded the problem by having a second one 20 months after the first. I'm thankful she's here. We were very lucky it happened with our past fertility issues, but if I had any control, there's no way I would do it that close. Hell would freeze over before I would do that again optionally. Without Blue's Clues and the "escape hatch" which is work, I would not survive.  We have not had a wake up free night since 2009. Yes, you read that right.  I say we, but really, at this point it's my husband that's dealing with it. I bailed about 3 months ago. Exhaustion triggers migraines for me, so I'm out. I keep thinking it will get easier and maybe it has, but each stage comes with its own issues. Now we are in the dual tantrum stage.  You think one toddler is temper tantrum is tough, try two at the same time.  I suppose I'd better go help now. The evening crying session has commenced...

Breastfeeding- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I had a rough day yesterday. I forgot my pump membranes. Those teeny tiny pieces of rubber look totally useless, but unfortunately are absolutely vital to keeping the godawful thing working. I have a backup (read: crappy) pump I leave at work just in case of situations like this, but it took me several tries to get it to work, which basically wasted my prep time. Awesome.  These are the hazards of a working, breastfeeding mom.

I've been breastfeeding for around a year and a half total at this point.  To be honest, I'm not really enamored with the whole thing.  Breastfeeding can be fantastic, primarily if you are a SAHM and everything goes smoothly.  I'm pretty lucky in that everything has gone smoothly (knock on wood), but particularly with working, it is still very very hard.  I researched it a ton when I first started, but saw very few cost/benefit analyses for working moms, so here goes mine...

The Good
1. It's cheaper.  I'm not going to say free, but it's probably a little cheaper. My pump was about $300.  I have spent probably $100 on pads, cream, and other supplies.  I also spend around $10 dollars a month on fenugreek to keep my supply at a level where it's actually worth pumping. OK, so it's not cheaper if you use generic formula, but if you were to buy brand name or organic formula then it's somewhat cheaper.
2. The health benefits for mom and baby.  We've had several colds go through here and Baby Girl has barely had a sniffle, plus all the long term benefits.  Yes, I would like to reduce the cancer risk around here, that would be nice.
3. Bonding.  She doesn't like anyone else quite as much as me.

The Bad
1. Pumping is HARD.  I lose half of my prep time on a normal day.  That sucks. And, in order for me to get a good milk flow, I have to turn the pump up to the point where it hurts. That really sucks.
2. I get migraines and I either take the medication and freak out about breastfeeding or I suffer through it. Fun.
3. You cannot escape breastfeeding for more than a couple of hours. You either bring the pump or you bring the baby.
4. The start is pretty much always hard. It hurts, you have marathon nursing sessions, you wonder if they're gaining properly...
5. Yeast, mastitis...       I haven't had these issues, but it's a huge problem for some people.

The Ugly
1. Remember the middle of the night feedings... All you baby.

None of these points are really equal, though. The health benefits trump everything else for me.
When all is said and done, whether or not you will succeed depends largely on the people around you.  We all run into obstacles along the way. If you receive the right advice and have the right support, you'll make it through. If you are surrounded by people who have negative opinion of breastfeeding, you're kind of screwed. I'm really tired at this point, but I will persevere. That is in large part due to the fact that I am surrounded by breastfeeders on all sides. I mentioned a supply issue at work the other day, and there were four women there to offer their experiences. Without that, could I go on? I don't know, but it would be much much harder.

Positive Discipline: The First Three Years

I am not a yeller and a screamer.  However, two year olds are challenging to even the calmest of parental personalities.  I know I just posted a rant about my dislike of co-sleeping, but I do think there is a lot to be said about attachment parenting in other contexts. My baby is sleeping on my chest as I write this and I really do enjoy that (and so does she).  One of the big themes of attachment parenting, beyond the infant period, is positive discipline and I happened see the book Positive Disciple: The First Three Years at the library the other day and thought I'd read it.

Overall, I think it's a great approach. Basically Erwin and Duffy (the authors) try to get you into the head of a toddler and point out strategies to deal with them without yelling and giving timeouts. Timeouts and yelling do not work on two year olds anyway.  I'm not sure reading the book was the best use of my time, since we were already doing most of the things suggested, but they were very good strategies or I wouldn't have been doing them.
To summarize:
1. Distract them when they are getting into things they shouldn't.  When they are trying to reprogram the TV, ask for a blanket. Toddlers love to help, so they'll probably drop everything to do it.
2.  Try to prevent problems before they can occur. In other words, don't let them see your cell phone.
3. Offer two acceptable choices. Do you want to wear the red or the blue shirt?
4. Have realistic expectations of what they can and cannot handle.  I don't know why people expect little kids to sit through church silently.  That's a lot to ask of an adult. Sharing is beyond them. They bite sometimes.  It's called being a toddler.
5. Pay attention to who they are.  My son in an introvert. He's not shy, but he's more of an observer rather than a runner. He doesn't enjoy large groups and lots of commotion.  We try to factor his personality into our decisions. One "social" activity, like Gymboree, a week is enough for him. 

I think most of us end up parenting the same way we were parented. I'm lucky because my parents were wonderful, loving, and used positive methods. If you were parented a different way, this style may not come naturally to you. For these people, this book is definitely worth a read.

Homemade Cinnamon Raisin Granola Bars

My 2 year old son isn't the biggest fan of food, but he loves granola bars.  I've been intending to make him some from scratch and I've had the can of oatmeal sitting there staring at me for the last month.  I finally got around to it and I must say, it was worth the wait.

 

Homemade Cinnamon Raisin Granola Bars

Makes 12

3 c. rolled oats

2/3 c. flour

1 t. vanilla extract

1/2 t. cinnamon

3/4 t. baking powder

1/2 c. (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened

1/3 c. brown sugar

1/3 c. honey

1 c. raisins

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Mix all the ingredients, except the raisins, together in a large mixing bowl. Stir in the raisins. Press into a greased cookie sheet (will take around half the sheet).  Bake at 325 for 18-20 minutes.  After taking it out of the oven, let it cook for 5 minutes before cutting it into bars.  

That's it! Super simple and completely delicious. I actually had to put them in the freezer so my husband would leave enough for the rest of us. My only regret is that I didn't make more.

Dr. Sears can bite me.

When my first child was born, I was a fairly strong advocate of "attachment parenting." For those of you not in the know, this is the child rearing philosophy, put forth by Dr. Sears et al, where the child's needs are put first. Always.  It means breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing.  Somewhere it all went wrong for us and I'm determined not to make these mistakes a second time.  My son did not sleep through the night or take a consistent nap until a few months ago. He's almost two.  As in two YEARS without a decent night's sleep.  We have a new baby now and I really can't go 4 years without some sleep. It will do me in around year 3, I'm pretty sure.  At 3 months, she's already a better sleeper than he was at 8, so I'm hopeful.  We did some things differently though. She's not in our bed, she's next to us in a Pack 'n Play. I don't jump at every peep. I wait until I see eyeballs and sometimes I wait until she's actually crying to go get her.  She's still held or worn for every single nap she takes at the moment, but I'm determined to change that. 

Naps were really our downfall with my son, he wouldn't go down and he wouldn't stay down. He had to be held or walked in order to nap. For about a year. Yeah.  Dr. Sears has very little to say about naps, and not one suggestion which is feasible for somebody that also has a toddler to care for. I can't lie down with my baby while my son tears around the place unsupervised and I can't wear her forever. My back is going to give out soon and don't tell me to get XYZ carrier. I already have it.  So, sleep training it is.  We're waiting until 4 months, so she's developmentally ready, but it's going to happen.  There is not one good study saying normal, loving parents are screwing their kids up by letting them cry for a 30 minutes now and again.  (Nice article here.)  No naps aren't just hard for parents, they're bad for kids.  Exhausted people aren't happy people. They're grumpy and prone to illness. The whole damn reason I'm breastfeeding is for my kid's healthy. Why should I deprive them of sleep? So, I'm researching all my sleep training options. If cry-it-out is what it takes, cry-it-out it is.

Call me a bad mom. Call me whatever you want, but I am done with this never-ever-ever let your child be upset for 1 second business. D.O.N.E.

DIY Cloth Wipes Solution

Once you start using cloth diapers, the next step in the progression to crunchy nirvana is cloth wipes. Why throw stuff in two separate containers?  I, like most cloth wipes users, hacked up a bunch of extra flannel receiving blankets, or rather, my aunt did.  You can just wet them with water if you choose, but sometimes you want a little extra cleaning oomph!   Plus I like things to smell nice. I'm pretty satisfied with my recipe at the moment, so I though I'd share. I keep this in a travel shampoo bottle and I squirt a little in the water I use to soak my wipes.

DIY Cloth Wipes Solution

1/2 tsp. baby wash (CA Baby, Burt's Bees, whatever)

1 tsp. vitamin E oil

2 tsp. witch hazel

1 to 2 drops tea tree oil

water to fill the container (3 fl oz.)

These measurements are just approximations, I don't really break out my measuring spoons to make wipes solution. I'm sure a little (or a lot) of variation wouldn't make a difference. Just don't OD on the tea tree oil.

Crunchy Curried Chickpeas

My husband recently had a high blood pressure scare.  His office does health screenings periodically and boy was this one a shocker! His blood pressure was 120-something/87. Admittedly we've been eating like crap since our little girl arrived a couple of months ago, but that was still pretty shocking for someone as thin as he is.  All the chips and other salty snacks have been purged since then. But we're snackers, so I've been searching for some kind of healthy replacement. My kale chips were a total disaster, so I was pretty discouraged at first, but recently I found one! 

You can adjust the measurements to your liking, but this is approximately what I used. It's not a fussy recipe, so sub as you want.

Crunchy Curried Chickpeas

1 can of chickpeas

2 tbsp. olive oil to coat the beans

1/2 tsp. yellow curry powder (some, like McCormick's, seem to be less flavorful, so use more)

1/2 tsp. paprika
1/4 tsp. garlic flakes

1/4 tsp. cumin

1/8 tsp. chili powder

Salt to taste

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Drain and rinse the chickpeas and then dry them well.  Next, put the chickpeas in a medium size bowl and drizzle the olive oil over them and stir them so all the chickpeas are coated.  In a separate bowl, mix up the spices, then sprinkle them over the chickpeas and mix well.  Spread this out on a cookie sheet and bake in the oven at 400 degrees for 30 to 40 minutes (after 15 or 20 minutes, give your pan a shake so the chickpeas cook evenly).

Notes: The chickpeas need to be dry to start. I used a cloth napkin to dry them off after rinsing and then spread them out on a plate and left it on the counter for a few hours. You can cook them longer (40 min.) if you don't have time to do that. Like I said, this recipe could easily be varied if you prefer different spices. If you taste prior to baking, it should taste decent.  It won't be crunchy and the spices will be raw, but it should taste pretty good.

All in all, this was the best thing I've made in a while. When my husband tasted it, he said it was just like the snacks he used to buy on the street when he was living in Mumbai.  Coming from him, there is no higher praise. So enjoy!

P.S. He just had his physical and his blood pressure was fine.